The Journey of Grieving

                                                                     By Dr. Jo Christner, Psy.D.

When confronted with the loss of a spouse, we are suddenly thrown into a difficult, lonely journey of grief. It’s not a journey that we want and often don’t know how to maneuver. Although psychology has identified the stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, depression, “acceptance”), many factors make it a unique, individual struggle, not
exactly like anyone else’s.

As you go through the grief stages, you will be challenged to move through the “world in-between”, the transitional place between an ending and a beginning. You might be thinking “this must be a mistake. I’m not supposed to be here. It no longer feels like my world.” Everything is changed. The life that you once knew is gone. Life no
longer seems familiar or comfortable. It can be confusing, painful and disorienting. It’s the place that must be visited between loss and beginning a changed life, between
feeling hopeless and finding hope, between re-identifying and reinventing, It’s the place of healing through grief and learning to integrate that your world has changed forever and will begin again. It will never again be the same…but you will begin again.

As you go through the stages of grief, you will begin to find light and to heal. It’s normal to have loss. It’s normal to grieve. It’s normal to begin again. That is the way of life. May the following suggestions help you through the process of grief, transition and healing.

1. Talk to yourself in a way that perpetuates healing. Keep    your thoughts in the present moment. It’s too easy to feel hopeless and predict the worst by thinking into the future. The future’s not here yet…and you will change. Determining what the future holds will only reflect the pain that you feel now.

2. Have a “linking” object, something that belonged to your loved one (i.e. ring, shirt, socks, picture, keychain) It can bring comfort during a time when nothing seems to bring comfort. It’s ok to carry it, touch it and remember. It will help you to grieve.

3. Read books and inspirational thoughts that educate, support and bring comfort.

4. Believe that you can survive this loss and heal. Grieving is an individual journey. Trust that you will heal…in your own unique way.

5. Seek support through friends, family and support groups. Isolating only increases your loneliness. Being in a support group with others who are grieving can give you comfort and reassurance. My favorite saying is: “We’re not on this earth to see through one another. We’re
here to see one another through.”
 

6. Give yourself the time that you need to grieve and to heal.
Sometimes you need to” visit” the grief. Sometimes you need to” visit” the distractions and resources in your life. Allow room for both. It’s the “space” in between where the healing occurs.

7. If your grief is complicated, seek professional help from a licensed therapist.

Grieving is a process, not an event. Psychology believes that healthy, uncomplicated grief for a spouse takes approximately 2 years. For some individuals, it will be shorter and for others, longer. Trust YOUR process and your journey. Trust that you, too, will heal. Trust that
you will find life and light again.


Dr. Christner is a licensed Psychologist and Marriage, Family Therapist who has facilitated

weekly spousal loss groups in Los Angeles for

many years. She has temporarily relocated to Somerset and plans to begin a spousal loss

group at the First Christian Church. If interested, please contact her at 814-443-1787.